IT was once reported that you wanted to start a talk show called ‘Fulfilling Desires’, but what is really holding you back?
Yes, you are right. That was before I went back to school for my Master’s degree. Personally, I have two passions in life: I am passionate about humanity and I will do anything to acquire knowledge. When I got admission into the University of Lagos, Akoka, I couldn’t combine it with the talk show, so I had to go for my Master’s degree. But I’m still coming back to it. When I got admission into the Obafemi Awolowo University, Ile-Ife, I had the option of sticking to entertainment and continuing with acting or going to school. But I told myself that showbiz will always be there, so I went to school. I came out and continued with my acting career. When the opportunity came for me to do my Master’s degree, it was at the time I wanted to do my talk show, so I weighed the two and went for my Masters. I have finished my programme and I’m walking on my talk show now. I’m a perfectionist, so I don’t believe I should rush anything.
So, what is Fulfilling Desires about?
It’s about womanhood, the pains women go through, what we feel and how we feel. I intend to talk about things that people just take for granted: for instance, a frigid woman in a marriage or a frigid lady that has been raped. I have been a victim of that, so I understand what it feels like.
You mean you have been a victim of rape?
Yes, my first introduction to sex was rape. I talk about it when I have to. I was deflowered by a rapist. These are things people don’t talk about. In my first marriage, I was frigid because of my experience, aside other things. So, Fulfilling Desire is about things that are realistic, but which people just sweep under the carpet.
I know you to be an assertive person, so I can’t imagine the fact that you went into your first marriage without your thinking cap on.
You see, there is something called peer pressure. Yes, I am an assertive person, but I like to do what my friends are doing. All my friends were getting married, so I also wanted to get married. When you were younger, you had some fantasies about your marriage without being realistic. There is a difference between wedding and marriage. A lot of people are ready for wedding and not marriage. The first time, I went into a wedding; but this time around, I knew I was going into a marriage, so the wedding was not such any big deal to me. The first time, I was about 26 and I felt I had to be married. I went into it with both eyes closed because I had butterflies in my tummy. I was in love and everything. I wouldn’t say it was lust, but I wasn’t prepared. I had my own faults and he had his as well, and we both learnt from it. I wouldn’t call the marriage a mistake because I have two issues there. So, I don’t have any bitterness towards my first marriage. I just see my ex as one of my brothers that we just had ideological misunderstanding and we just could not come to terms with that.
I didn’t know I could even get married again because I was resolute about some things. I don’t want to repeat what I faced there. But I guess God was just preparing the best for me. This is because the kind of person I have now is my friend. Someone that understands that Foluke is just like that; that Foluke wants to assert herself and that she’s thorough. He is someone that just accepts me the way I am and I can’t thank God enough for that. Sometimes, you can’t appreciate a good marriage, if you haven’t been through a failed one before.
You said the first time you got married, you were in love; so, does it mean it is not love this time around?
You see, before two people can decide that they want to get married, there has to be something deep between them. Love is not as strong as understanding. Don’t try to change your partner. When I was dating my present husband, we had that issue and we both sat down and said, ‘Look, you can’t change me and I can’t change you; let’s just enjoy the best of it. This is because you find out that it is what you enjoy most in your partner that causes the problem. If your partner is a quite person, then, that is the point of attraction. But when you are eventually in it, it will be the cause of the problem. If your girlfriend is domineering, that will be the attraction, but that will also be a problem later. When you start having issues, you now close your eyes to all the positive sides and you look at the negative ones only. But one thing I don’t subscribe to and I tell my present husband is domestic violence. I tell him that if he does anything physical on me, I will leave. I had been through it before and it had a terrible psychological effect on me. I didn’t have any form of self-esteem; I was just flat and out. I will never compromise that. In fact, I will tell whoever wants to marry my daughter that he dare not, in any circumstance, touch my daughter because the damage on her will be worse dying. When your self-esteem is flat and out, you are also dead; so, I do not compromise it. I can deal with infidelity, but I can’t deal with physical abuse. I’ve been there before, but I don’t want to talk about it because of the children involved.
Some women would tell you that they can endure physical abuse, but not a flirtatious husband.
For me, I can’t.
Why?
My pastor, Pastor Sam Adeyemi, says you have to be complete in yourself. A man or a woman is only there to complement you and every one of us is after one thing: Happiness. No matter how poor or rich you are, the only thing we are all after is joy, happiness. So, if I see you look happy, I will like to relate with you because I will want to share part of that happiness. Before I got married to my husband, he saw me as a complete person who was happy. I was a single mother and was enjoying my status. I was enjoying my time with my kids.
Before then, I had to go to a psychiatrist to deal with myself; and then, I went to church to deal with myself spiritually because I’m a spiritual being. Pastor Sam thought me that if you are not complete as a woman or a man, nobody else can complete you. So, at the end of the day, I know that if my husband decides to play around, there can never be another Foluke Daramola. There can only be me and my husband will always come back home to me because that thing that he has found in me cannot be found in any other person.
You see, if God says the man you are getting married to is going to have 15 wives, there is nothing you can do about it. The only thing that can make me lose my marriage is domestic violence. Apart from this, I can’t leave my marriage for any other reason. It’s not worth it. That happiness that I’m deriving from you at that point in time is all I want.
You said you can deal with infidelity, but how do you deal with the fact that your husband is sharing his love for you with another woman?
When I left my first marriage, I didn’t expect that I was going to get married. Again, I told myself that I just wanted a relationship and marriage. I wanted someone that would be there for me as a companion and nothing more because, at that time, I liked to be by myself most of the time. Besides, I told myself that I didn’t want my children to bear different surnames. I told myself I could just have a relationship without getting married. The white woman can have a relationship for 15 or 20 years without getting married; it doesn’t have to be marriage.
It’s a mindset; if I believe that out of the whole day, my partner gives me two quality hours, whatever he does with the remaining 22 hours shouldn’t be my problem because he’s an individual. For instance, if I go to a location for days and he doesn’t get worked up and he till talks to me, then, I should be able to understand whatever he does with his time. What if you are the only ‘one’ in that home and he has a girlfriend he’s spending 16 hours with, how would you know? It’s just a psychological thing; once you know that there is another person outside, you start to feel that your love is being divided.
For me, I can’t have high blood pressure because I won’t stress myself unnecessarily. When my husband tells me he loves me, I believe him sincerely. When I was in my past marriage, people would come and tell me that they saw my husband with someone, but I never gave them audience because I was not interested. So, now, when he returns home, he is mine; and when he’s out there, whatever he does doesn’t bother me because he doesn’t bother himself with whatever I do. My present husband, Kayode, will never pick my phone and look through my phone. He is someone that is liberally- minded, so why will I now be giving myself hassles. So, sometimes, when they say a man is getting married to another woman and the woman starts agitating, I feel it is laziness.
One lady that I have so much respect for, though I am not so close to her, is Annie Macaulay. She’s one person that has settled in her mind that she wants to be happy with this man and she’s working on that. How many women can be like that? She’s complete in herself. She understands that whatever Tuface feels for her can only be felt for her and her alone. As far as I am concerned, I know that there can only be one me.
Infidelity, for me, can never break my home. I will only deal with it maturely in a way that you will be shocked. It’s the best thing a woman can discover. Once you have that thing inside of you, your man will even be afraid of you because he wouldn’t know why you are so at peace. You will turn out more beautiful. But once you start getting yourself worked up emotionally, you are bad and the man will even be running even farther away from you because that person outside is making herself beautiful and fine for him. So, the earlier we women understand that and deal with that, the better for us. We can chose to shy away from it, but even the Bible says that, in the end time, you will have seven women, not even two, to one man. So, which part of the Bible are we not reading? Is it not already coming to pass? So, you have to be realistic with yourself.
You said you didn’t plan to remarry after your first marriage crashed; so, why did you take that stand?
My conviction was based on the fact that Kayode is my very good friend. We shared everything and anything. We started out as friends and colleagues because he’s an activist and I’m an activist too. We were always talking and unconsciously, we were building a very strong bond.
Before I met him, he was already having issues with his past marriage. I knew he was not happy about it and his partner also knew. They had an understanding within themselves and when he felt that he needed to move on, he moved on. He shouldn’t be crucified for moving on. Some people would not move on, but they will say they want to have another wife. If it’s okay by me, I would marry. It doesn’t mean I would stay in the same house with my husband and the first woman. I would be on my own and the first woman too will be on her own. But in their own case, they both decided that they needed to move on. And when they moved on because of the pressure and the noise, I decided I was travelling out. Then, my husband called me and said, ‘Look, why would you abandon me at this time I need you most?’ And I was like, ‘I thought you would need time to sort your marriage out.’ But he said, ‘It is not working.’ So, I came back and we took a step and we don’t regret it now. We have our challenges, but I can’t wish for anything more. I’m not a billionaire or millionaire, but I am happy. Happiness is a precious gift I will never sell for all the million dollars in the world.
What was the involvement of Pastor Sam Adeyemi in all that happened?
Hmm! I’m not close to Pastor Adeyemi. I went for Advanced Day Star Leadership programme because I’m one person that has about 10 role models. I might not have personal contact with them, but I just look at their ways of life and their preaching. For instance, I am impressed with the motivational speeches of Fela Durotoye. My husband and I listen to Pastor Sam Adeyemi’s CD’s and we learn from it. I don’t have to be close him. More importantly, I don’t listen to what people say, but I listen to my conviction. You see, if I die today, I will go to heaven because of the fact that my Bible teaches me just two things: Love your neighbour as yourself and love God with all your soul. That is the all encompassing thing about the 10 Commandments. But in Nigeria, we have turned the whole thing upside down. Our commandments are over 50. Yes, Pastor Adeyemi is one of my role models.
I love him so much, but I don’t use his standard as a yardstick; I use God’s standard as a yardstick. That is it. I said it on the Internet and people were just ‘yapping’ me. I didn’t care anyway. It’s just the price you have to pay for being a celebrity. I said how many of God’s favourites in the Bible were monogamists? We are using the English standard for the Bible standard, but they are two things entirely. The English standard is different from the Bible. Abraham, David and Solomon were all God’s favourites. But tell me, how many were monogamists among them? It just goes to show that at the end of the day, you can’t use marriage as a standard to make heaven.
Talking about being fair to all concerned, do the children from the past marriage have a relationship with their father?
It is left to the man to be able to know how he juggles his time. For my husband, he’s one person that creates time for his children. And he has a perfect relationship with his ex and his children as well. That makes him the man.
Movie- wise what has been happening to you?
It’s been a while; I just found it boring. If I get the right script, I will do it. But lately, I haven’t been seeing the right scripts.
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